It's raining, it's pouring,
The members are snoring.
They went to bed with a cold in the head
And couldn't get up in the morning.
OK, OK. But then satire is not meant to be accurate....
Lunchtime at Comrie Golf Club generated a dozen ladies and one not-lady. But the preceding Run In The Pouring Rain could only muster five ladies plus the obligatory Moron. Maybe it was a reluctance to take up one of the available parts in the following playlet. Maybe it was a smart move after all....
As the 'run' gets into its first flamboyant stride, the rain takes its toll as the nature walk takes precedence. The steamy jungle heat already causes some to regret the eight layers of clothing adopted at the start.
The Fearless Guide explains to three of the company the average height of the wolves recently released into the Comrie Forest. The Resident Poet is apprehensive her recent training may be insufficient to outrun them so she mentally composes an ode to sooth The Savage Beast. The group fails to notice the mysterious lights playing with their clothing.
The Guide reveals her little joke about the wolves and everyone is amused. Tracy is glad she went before they left as an accident brought on by excessive mirth threatens. The mystery lights continue to elude the group's attention. This may turn out badly.
Kona & Ali exchange experiences about helping blind runners. 'It's much easier for them', they say as they demonstrate their point by showing an uncanny ability to run with their eyes shut.
Our Guide points out another interesting Nature Fact. Not everyone is riveted with undivided attention. This could be a mistake as questions will undoubtedly be asked later over lunch.
I know this hole here is only meant for pheasants', says Ali, 'but since I went on that Cabbage Soup Diet thingy, I'll bet I can get through it.' This causes much mirth as everyone knows the Cabbage Soup Diet is just a lot of hot air. Ali will not be denied, however.
Despite 'assistance' from The Resident Poet, Ali is defeated in her attempts to resemble a pheasant. She is consoled by the observation that she could become a magician's assistant through using her new-found ability to fit comfortably into a large matchbox. Ford stand ready to recruit her to demonstrate that you really can get 87 adults into their Galaxy model.
The Guide trudges off disconsolately at these childish high jinks but is later rewarded by a return to adult behaviour. Regrettably, perhaps, this refers partly to the post-Watershed nature of some of the banter.
'Just like this', says The Guide. 'But I'll need to stand on one bar higher', says Tracy; 'And even then I might get splinters'. Ali makes a face. 'Whenever I get splinters in my thighs from climbing over gates', she says, 'Will just takes them out with his teeth.' 'If I get a splinter as I get over this gate, will he take mine out too?, asks Tracy.
'After that', laughs Ali, 'you deserve a rocket.' She then proceeds to demonstrate the correct technique for positioning a rocket to provide maximum lift-off. The Cabbage Soup regrettably fails to provide enough fuel to Ali's muscles to boost the payload into space though the gas emission and acceleration assistance does almost do it. The accompanying sound effects also provide much needed amusement.
A cry goes up. 'Look at that ugly old toad!' All the ladies agree it is ugly. Turning away from The Moron, however, they transfer their attention to the amphibian they see in the grass with murmers of 'Gosh, how cute' and 'Aaaaw, what a sweet little thing'. Clearly The Moron's investment in Dove For Men has failed to pay off.
As our Guide practises a sharp intake of breath followed by 'Welllllll...', Ali reprises her exploits as a pretend blind runner - winning best in category - causing Kona to exclaim 'Well I'll be a wombat's auntie - I didn't see that coming. And I'll bet you didn't either!!'
As Ali's story unfolds, the other members of the party are enthralled and show their rapt attention on their glowing cheeks. As usual, however, Sisterly Love and Unity transcends momentary boredom and hugs and kisses are later exchanged.
A little way on, our Guide is reminded of the lifetime of self-sacrifice she has made to her aching and troublesome back - her companions assure her that laughing it off is the best medicine. Our Guide suggests she prefers paracetemol - or nitrous oxide at a pinch. Ali and Kona still couldn't care less.
Resting her weary and crushingly painful back, our Guide poses smilingly with the Harriers soon-to-be-revealed modelling line-up showing the new 'Sweat-ready' range of outdoor wear. This astonishly avant-garde range comes already impregnated with the sweat of Chinese factory workers to provide the 'instantly exercised' look so beloved of hill runners. A road runner range with the marks of lorry tyres already printed across the backs will also be available soon.
As an antidote to the magazine-quality modelling shots sampled above, the group takes pity on The Moron but then cruelly subjects him to the infamous 'bunny ears' humiliation as he attempts to demonstrate his hitch-hiking technique. Representatives of the charity that specialises in rehabilitating morons are sure to protest at the publication of this undeserving and mindless act of ritual retaliation by Woman on Man.
The event having by now exceeded the normal female 'Go To The Loo Excessively' time, a perfect location for bodily relief is simultaneously spotted by Ali and Kona causing them to rush headlong in a wild competition to secure first use. In a dead heat fortunately not captured on nearby 'Woodpecker Live' CCTV cameras, sisterly comradeship is restored with shared leaf litter.
The group makes a final stop as our Guide once more readjusts her vertebrae and counsels the assembled to look at and listen to Nature in her impressive majesty. Tracy asks if that's a 'pecker she can hear but our Guide thinks motherhood should by now have taught Tracy the difference between that and the sound of a bird hammering on wood. Kona shuffles carefully and asks Ali if she's also aware of lingering leaf litter; Ali becomes statuesque as she flexes everything to test. All is well however.
So the merry band makes the final crossing of the A85 in sight of their destination as two bravely ignore the oncoming juggernaut whilst three feel discretion may be wiser. Our Guide confirms on her miniature Bluetooth earpiece that lunch will be ready at the Golf Clubhouse and that other colleagues are already well stuck into the caffeine.
So ends yet another triumphant End of Term run. This may have been a wet one. It may have been abandoned by others who could yet come to regret their absence. It may have been peppered with unsought double entendres. It may have brought reminders of bodies beyond their first youthful flush. It may have brought wishes that flush facilities were available in the woods. But it was magnificent. It was breathtaking (at least uphill, it was). It was an experience to be savoured and saved in the deep recesses of the mind ready to spring out on unsuspecting friends. We were there. Don't you wish you had been, too?
